My Political Positions?

ENVIRONMENT: Keep it clean, accessible, and nurtured. If we abuse it, we’re the one’s to pay in the long run.

BUSINESS: Keep small businesses deregulated but the corporations who line the pockets of politicians and are the defacto policymakers in Washington need close supervision. Fair is fair until you’re a jerk.

IMMIGRATION: Millions upon millions of people have entered this country fair and square. It should not be made as easy as walking over, lest immigrants take the country for granted and fail to appreciate how special it is to be an American.

IMMIGRANTS ALREADY HERE: Fine. You win. But from now on the gates are closed.

GAY MARRIAGE: Should not be a political issue, least of all a Federal one. Any limitation on this is an attack on personal freedom and last time I checked, that’s what America is all about.

GUN CONTROL: Automatic weapons? Massacres? NO restrictions? C’mon, gimme a break. This isn’t 1776 anymore, we’re no longer a society of rural woodsmen and farmers, we have police forces, and a society that allows for violence is going to get it. Permits and regulations seem fair to me. You can have your gun. In six months. What’s the rush? Gotta settle a score or something? Exactly.

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: Yes, in the most severe cases.

PRISON SYSTEM: Something needs to be done. Prisoners should not have more benefits and luxury that free citizens. It’s jail, not a vacation. Sorry, you fucked up your life. Not my fault, or that of my tax dollars.

MILITARY SPENDING: “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” It is nice having the world’s strongest military force by a long shot. Which means we can pull back some spending and turn it over to some domestic messes like education. Do I want to foster an Athens or Sparta?

FOREIGN RELATIONS: We have friends, and everyone needs friends. But be careful that your buddy doesn’t realize that since you gave him milk money once, he can always rely on that. United Nations? No thanks, we like our independence.

MIDDLE EAST: Why are we trying? The more we try to help the more they hate us. Fine, we’re done. Don’t ever ask us for anything again.

ABORTION: I am not a woman and will not even begin to pretend to know what it’s like to have a child. Do not encourage it by any means, I think it is a very wrong and messed up, but at the end of the day what right do I have to step on that right?

UNIONS: I think they’re great. Just don’t be dicks about it and demand so much that you force us to outsource jobs because hey let’s face it, it’s cheaper.

HEALTHCARE: Businesses controlling the healthcare sucks because that means I can’t afford it. Am I bum? No, I’m damn responsible and work hard but I you jacked the price up to high. Who are you to control my fate? And if people are too selfish to pay some taxes for the benefit of us all, you know, the human race, then that’s a little selfish. What would Jesus do, people?

EDUCATION: Nothing is more important in the development of our country. Fund it, foster it, celebrate reading, writing, and arithmetic. Why would we ever slack on this?


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