U.S. Grant and Lincoln Log

A. LINCOLN and U.S. GRANT are walking together through a prairie in South Dakota. The wheat is to about their waists. They are both dressed in suits, nothing fancy, just their everyday wear. 

A. LINCOLN: Quite the afternoon for a stroll, eh?

U.S. GRANT: Indeed.

A. LINCOLN: Something a matter?

U.S. GRANT: Nope.

A. LINCOLN: You seem troubled.

U.S. GRANT: Nope. Like you said, quite the afternoon.

A. LINCOLN: Indeed.

The men stop. 

U.S. GRANT: Must we?

A. LINCOLN: I’d like to have my lunch at some point.

U.S. GRANT: But here?

A. LINCOLN: Yes, here.

U.S. GRANT: Why here?

A. LINCOLN: Because!… It’s just where I’ve stopped.

U.S. GRANT: I must warn you of possible Indian attacks here.

A. LINCOLN: Really? I thought Jackson got rid of them.

U.S. GRANT: Sort of… He put them all here.

A. LINCOLN: Here!

U.S. GRANT: Right this very spot.

A. LINCOLN: Shit!

U.S. GRANT: We should move.

A. LINCOLN: Indeed!

They move. 

U.S. GRANT: Should be dark soon.

A. LINCOLN: I suppose dinner is out?

U.S. GRANT: What? Why?

A. LINCOLN: Indian attack.

U.S. GRANT: Oh, yes… Yes.

A. LINCOLN: Ah… Sioux? Comanche?

U.S. GRANT: Seminole.

A. LINCOLN: A beg pardon? Seminole?

U.S. GRANT: Fierce warrior type- very territorial. Will stop at nothing to purge their land from the white man.

A. LINCOLN: No, no, I mean here? Seminole is a subtropical tribe, is it not? Native to Florida?

U.S. GRANT: The Everglades to be exact.

A. LINCOLN: We’re in South Dakota!

U.S. GRANT: Indeed.

They stop. 

A. LINCOLN: Can we break camp?

U.S. Grant looks around. 

U.S. GRANT: I don’t know…

A. LINCOLN: I haven’t had a bite all day.

U.S. GRANT: I think we should keep moving.

A. LINCOLN: I’m exhausted!

U.S. GRANT: Please!

A. LINCOLN: You’re crazy! What, do you see the Seminole?

U.S. GRANT: No…

A. LINCOLN: Eskimos?

U.S. GRANT: No!

A. LINCOLN: Oh, but we should be weary of the ever present Aztecs! Montezuma’s Revenge, you son of a bitch!

A. Lincoln tackles U.S. Grant and they are wrestling in the field. A flashlight then cuts through the dark and a NATIONAL PARK RANGER walks up. 

N.P. RANGER: Whoa there! Hey now, cut it out!

The men do not notice him as they fight. The Ranger gets out his gun and shoots it in the air. The men still don’t notice and keep fighting, getting more vicious. 

N.P. RANGER: Hey! I shot my… you jerks!

The Ranger leaves and comes back with a megaphone. 

N.P. RANGER: Will the Presidents of the United States please stop trying to kill each other!

A. Lincoln and U.S. Grant slowly pull apart and look at the Ranger guiltily. 

N.P. RANGER: You should be ashamed of yourselves, carrying on like a couple of babies. You know you’ve just about woken up half the camp with your… profanity!

A. LINCOLN: There is a camp! We must hide!

N.P. RANGER: A camp of… well campers! I mean…What are you talking about?

A. LINCOLN: Campers? But I was told… (He gives a mean look to U.S. Grant)

N.P. Ranger: Can you two behave yourselves now? I’d like to get some shut eye myself- haven’t had a bite all day. I swear… (He mumbles on as he exits the stage)

A. LINCOLN: ULYSSES!

U.S. GRANT: I’m sorry, Abe!

A. LINCOLN: How could you lie to me?

U.S. GRANT: I didn’t-

A. LINCOLN: All day?

U.S. GRANT: Want-

A. LINCOLN: I WAS SO HUNGRY!

U.S. GRANT: I was embarrassed!

A. LINCOLN: Of what!

U.S. GRANT: That!

U.S. Grant points up and what is revealed upstage is the monumental landscape of Mount Rushmore. A. Lincoln is stunned. 

A. LINCOLN: I’ve never seen that before…

U.S. GRANT: It’s new.

A. LINCOLN: It’s beautiful.

U.S. GRANT: Yeah, well, must be nice.

A. LINCOLN: George, Thomas, Theodore (that’s nice), and me… huh. Where’re you?

U.S. GRANT: Wouldn’t you like to know.

A. LINCOLN: Now wait, of course I would!

U.S. GRANT: Yeah, right.

A. LINCOLN: You’re my friend. Whom else could have won the War for me?

U.S. GRANT: (unsure what to say) Sherman?

A. LINCOLN: What!? How about all the times I confided in you when things weren’t going so well? You think Sherman would’ve listened??

Pause. 

A. LINCOLN: Face it, man, you were my Goose.

U.S. GRANT: But I was more than just your wing-man! I was the President too and I should be on that mountain.

A. LINCOLN: You were President, and that is achievement enough. I’m sorry you’re not carved into a rock and I’m sorry you achieved glory as a FOUR STAR GENERAL OF THE ARMIES AND LITERALLY SAVED THE NATION. And I didn’t even know about this, so don’t blame me pal!

U.S. Grant thinks about all this. 

U.S. GRANT: I did kind of save the Nation, didn’t I.

A. LINCOLN: Nothing like it since the Revolution.

U.S. GRANT: It does feel good.

A. LINCOLN: Good.

U.S. GRANT: I… “saved the Nation”.

A. LINCOLN: I’m glad.

They begin to walk and exit. 

U.S. GRANT: Just call me “U.S. Grant”.

A. LINCOLN: OK.

U.S. GRANT: U.S. Grant and Lincoln Log?

A. LINCOLN: I am gonna kill you.

THE END

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