The Man I Am Today

Never before has the life of Vincent Seiber Hannam changed so drastically, so quickly. The last big “change” in fact came exactly four years ago when I moved to Orlando to attend the University of Central Florida. Funny now, that I see myself repeating this venture.

I examine the path my life has been on for those four years and I wonder how I have changed. How has the course of time affected my young psyche? Certainly in matters of the stage I have grown enormously and continue to do so. But what about the rest of me? Have grown more mature and responsible, not only in my actions, but in those whom I choose to call friends? Have I learned as much knowledge as I first set out to absorb, strengthening myself mentally and physically? As I set out on my new adventure, I am forced to reflect on where the road has taken me so far.

I am not going to lie, the single biggest attribute of my college life was my girlfriend of three and a half years, who until recently, was the deciding factor in many of my choices. She was everything I held dear and I often thought of the life we were to live together. Of course that came with many challenges, some I knew were to come, but some that did not wait and tore my conscience to shreds. I am very happy to say that we were able to overcome these trials and tribulations and so if I have grown into the mature, responsible man that everyone says I am, then I can only give credit to her. Nothing makes a boy become a man faster than being in a long term relationship and for that I am eternally grateful.

Alas, it was a relationship that ultimately became too much to bear, no matter how much we loved and cared for each other. To that I would say, without meaning to sound too dramatic, is that the only thing stronger than love is Destiny in all of it’s cruel glory.

I don’t know why God has made me an actor.

I know why I want to be one- to bring to life those people who are seldom seen. To express all the joys and sorrows that so many of us are all too willing to bury and forget. But to what end? Must I go through all that at the expense of my own heart? I can’t help but wonder if that girl I loved for so long (and yet so briefly) is just the first casualty to suffer at the hands of that cruel glory.

I do know that I was meant to love her, and apparently I was meant to lose her, but I only have time to tell me why.

Initially after the break up I expressed feeling of doubt in loving someone. I think that’s natural. Now that I think about it, those feelings were not new; I had thought about them in the aftermath of my parent’s divorce. What’s the point of loving someone with all your heart if it’s only to evaporate after a number of years? Why carry on with a “long-term relationship”? I still don’t know the answer, but a mentor of mine once said that “When love hurts you have two choices: love less or love more. Always love more.”

You must always love more, even if it breaks your heart to do so.

Four years ago, my 18 year old self vowed that I would move away and never live in Kissimmee/ St. Cloud again. Well, I did. And though I am forever grateful, this time I know I won’t return. Once and for all I have outgrown the nest and I have to admit that I am nervous. That girl I planned so much with was my partner and the thought of fending for myself is a scary one. Nobody wants to be alone and what scares me is that this life of an “actor” can be a lonely one… I always thought it was kind of cool that I went off to college to find a new life, only to meet someone from my hometown. But I can’t say that’s probable a second time.

Despite all that, however, I am also very excited. I face the beginning of a new journey for I have come to the end of my last, and the adventurer inside me is very eager to get started. Already, I am moving back to UCF and have a job. Already I am in the planning phases of moving to Chicago with friends, some of whom I consider brothers. And already the wounds of separation are starting to heal.

I don’t know why God has made me an actor, why He does what He does, but I do trust it. I trust that during those moments of loneliness and doubt, I can turn to my brothers and sisters and Him for guidance. It’s been a wonderful journey so far, and I regret nothing whatsoever, for that girl I loved and all of our time shared has made me the man I am today.

For now, however, my path is my own and my fortune what I make it.

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