A War of Heart & Mind

In the few weeks since my last post, my life went from just stabilizing to being completely thrown off it’s axis again. What happened? Jaynee started texting me and I opened the door wide open… I can’t even seem to talk about this yet… my mind is still grappling with the idea that I had been a single, care-free, and liberated individual and now I am right back in the same boat as before. Not that it’s an inherently leaky boat, but after the breakup even the tiniest cracks became magnified ten-fold.

Jaynee pleaded and swore her undying love for me, and promised that she would never ever cause me such hurt again. Of course I believed her, but the reality of the situation had changed. Yes, I still love you but in breaking up with me you let me experience bachelor life for over a month. Hell yes it had it’s low points… but I had finally gotten over the hurdles and could set my sights on an endless expanse of greener pastures. Of that horizon I talked about in my last blog. Where am I now? Driving back to St. Cloud every other day, eating out, worrying about this and that, already saying sorry to my friends because I already have plans with the girlfriend I was supposedly without.

Unfortunately these are frustrations I’ve had to deal with and yet, I’m choosing to indeed push through them. Why? I have had trouble not enjoying myself when I am with Jaynee. It’s true. When all is said and done, she is a beautiful woman with a wonderful sense of humor, and we enjoy each other’s company immensely. It’s when I drive to my new home in Orlando that I begin to think about everything else…

Everything happens for a reason. I believe that statement, and I believed we broke up for a reason. The reason was for me to taste a life I had been secretly longing for for years. But why on earth did we get back together? I shouldn’t have flirted back through those texts, I should’ve pushed through the jealous pain I felt of her seeing another guy, I could have ended this before it got too far… and that’s just it; how far is this going to go?

Will I marry Jaynee in just a couple of years (if we remain on this present course)? Do I actually want to get married so young? Sure, last year I was all for the idea that marriage doesn’t inhibit freedom- a family does. But I gotta tell ya, the more I think about that, the more I’m not agreeing with my year-ago-self. I already feel inhibited!

So then is it worth it and what can I do? I will tell you what I plan to do. I remain extremely steadfast in my plan to move next summer. Some things are negotiable but that is not. Whether it’s due to an eight month internship somewhere or indeed moving to Chicago, I’m gone and I am not moving back to Orlando ever. This is a solemn promise I am making myself. I am out come June 2014 whether I have the funds or not, because my life will come to an end at some point and I cannot hold it back any longer.

As for Jaynee she has to reconcile with that fact and from what she has told me, she is willing to be my partner through that and all the uncertainties that come with an actor’s life. I believe her determination, but I don’t know if I believe the reality once those hypotheticals become actualities.

Things have been better in the past few weeks, however, I will admit. But I can’t shake this feeling of inevitability when I think about us… I hope it passes and everything works out, I do, but until then I have to keep wondering why why why why why why why why why why?????????????????

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