The Upchuck Chronicles

For those of who you are familiar with Seinfeld, you may recall an episode where Jerry brags about his streak of not… well, how should I put this? Uh, well, not vomiting for thirteen years. Now I find a lot of things amusing on that show but for some reason this amazing feat has always remained in my collective conscience and I believe it’s because it’s so relatable. And visceral. I mean, we all hate throwing up and when we do it’s a foul occurrence that’s bound to stick with us for some time, what with the bombardment of the senses that it is. Go on. Close your eyes and imagine the initial convulsion, the burning acid in your throat, the stench as it hits the toilet (hopefully), the yacking, the spitting, and the moaning as the act of spewing eventually trails off into dry heaves and a final feeling of wonderful relief.

Was all that too much? Is this blog too much? What the hell am I talking about?

Well, like Jerry in the aforementioned episode, I just so happen to remember my own last streak from January 3, 2012 to just the other day on December 16, 2013. A somewhat impressive record of 23 months considering I am still in college.

So there’s my little introduction and without further adieu I chronicle my previous record and the beginning of my new streak. Here’s to a new record!

DATE: November 19, 2017 (2 months since last upchuck)

TIME: The morning we we playing “Bruncheons and Dragons”.

LOCATION: Joe and Julia Heaney’s bathroom. Fridley, MN. 

CAUSE: Drank too much the night before, on a bar crawl with Mike Swan and Gary Danciu. THANKS PUB PASS.

CONTENTS/COLOR: Green. With chunks of the chicken wings I’d eaten the night before.


DATE: September 15, 2017 (2 years and 7 months since last upchuck)

TIME: The morning of Molly’s wedding. Max had his own severe hangover to contend with, passing out and shattering a light.

LOCATION: The backyard of an AirBnB in Windsor, England.

CAUSE: Went real hard with Molly’s fiance, Luke, and his several brothers. So many pints. Played “God Save the Queen” and showed ’em what a couple of Yanks can do. DOOMBAR.

CONTENTS/COLOR: Shades of orange and red. Whole banana peppers came up to from the pizza I’d eaten the night before.


DATE: February 8, 2015 (10 months and 3 days since last upchuck)

TIME: At approximately 2:30 in the a.m. I was suddenly awakened by a churning in my belly, that I knew could only mean one thing. Although I had gone to bed feeling bloated, I never expected this acidic sneak attack.

LOCATION: A bathroom in the apartment of one of Diana’s college friends as we were visiting Appleton, Wisconsin for the weekend.

CAUSE: I drank a lot, but over a lengthy period, so I am going to attribute this one mostly to over eating (I mean, the drink didn’t help things). I mean, since four that afternoon we had been bar hopping and chasing my pints and whiskey, were plenty-o-fries and macaroni and cheese pizza. Oh, yeah, and a couple of alcoholic milkshakes thrown in.

CONTENTS/COLOR: Well, this vomit was of the standard orange-pink bile kind, but I swear there were a couple of bits of what looked like maraschino cherries (see the aforementioned alcoholic milkshakes and whiskey).

Let’s see if I can go a year next time!


DATE: April 5th, 2014 (3 months and 20 days since last upchuck)

TIME: The morning of my 23rd birthday was spent waking up in my tent at approximately 6:00 am. From there I heaved twice more later in the morning, probably between 9:00 and 10:00 am.

LOCATION: In the woods, camping at Moss Park in Orlando, Florida.

CAUSE: *The cause of this episode was excessive drinking the night prior. It was my birthday weekend, so I decided to go hard the night of the 4th. Eight beers and a large shot of Jim Beam later, I was having the worst morning of any birthday yet. After the initial purge, I spewed twice more but wasn’t getting up. Dry Heave City.

CONTENTS/COLOR: In the early morning light, I could tell that the vomit was a chunky red color. This was no doubt from the lots of chili I had eaten the night before. With my second attack, I had nothing. With the third and final round, however, I threw up just plain water, as I had been trying to drink it all morning.

*I also smoked a lot of weed. 


DATE: December 16, 2013 (23 months since last upchuck)

TIME: Had my first “queasy” feeling sometime in the afternoon, around 1:30. Felt the feeling on and off until that evening, around 6:00. Entered the bathroom by 7:30 with full blown nausea but later returned to my bed to sleep it off. Woke up and puked at approximately 8:45 PM.

LOCATION: First felt initial queasiness at the school I was substituting but the vomit came in my bedroom where I hurled into a big bowl at the side of my bed. I feared it would overflow so I carried it (while spewing) into the bathroom where I finished. Saint Cloud, FL.

CAUSE: At first I pinned it on a bad ham sandwich I had eaten for lunch. It contained mayonnaise and had not been properly refrigerated. Later hypotheses included contamination from the students I’d been teaching or possibly bacterial infection from mosquitoes or God knows what from the disastrous Shingle Creek expedition two days prior (see To Portage or Not to Portage)

The next day, however, I learned that my Uncle Bill and Aunt Tracy had also fallen ill and the common denominator for us were some cookies that had been made for a party on the weekend. Conclusion, therefore, was a BAD COOKIE.

CONTENTS/COLOR: Pink and watery from Pepto Bismal I had ingested earlier. Other than that, surprisingly void of contents.


DATE: January 3, 2012

TIME: Exact time unknown but I awoke in the middle of the night and ran to the bathroom.

LOCATION: Bathroom of the bedroom in the apartment I was living in. Orlando, FL.

CAUSE: Excessive drinking at a party the night my dog died. We also played a Sandlot drinking game until I passed out on the floor. I also believe this is the night I got in a sword fight with Max and gave him a black eye, although that has no bearing on my throwing up.




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